Are you getting these three things out of your conversations?

by Olecia Christie | 5 Minute read

A conversation is such a natural occurrence we all assume we are doing it right. And perhaps some of us are. But for those of us who get that icky feeling after talking to someone or that empty nudge of "what on earth just happened?" after a coffee meeting, then this may be for you.

If you're like me, you like to find meaning in the things you do. Even the fun stuff. You would much rather an hour of silence than fifteen minutes of mindless dialogue. Our conversations reveal a lot about us. They uncover our dreams and aspirations. They archive our fears and prejudices and often serve as a safe place for us to express our true feelings without judgment or exposure. It's why we hope that our WhatsApp messages are truly encrypted and that the government is not really listening to our conversations. Or why we keep the guestlist for the housewarming party to a minimum so we can keep it real.

But are you getting value out of your conversations? Do they leave you inspired and full of perspective? If you are unsure about the answer to these questions, then you may be missing these three key things from your time talking with others:

Discovery 

We should learn from our conversations. To start, we need to do more listening than talking. A great conversationalist knows it's not a competition when communicating with others. We cheat ourselves of the benefit of truly listening with empathy and understanding when we compete in our conversations. If you find that you are not learning as much or that you share more than you uncover, you may want to evaluate how you're approaching your conversations. 

When we listen to learn about others, we also have the opportunity to learn about ourselves. It's in these moments we find the guiding principles and life lessons that can last a lifetime. 

Enrichment

Discourse is an act of self-revelation. Both our verbal and non-verbal cues say a lot about us when we engage in conversation with others. It seems fitting then that our conversations should enrich our lives. They should offer us hope about ourselves and others, even in times of despair. Are you engaging in conversations that deplete your energy and diminish your positivity? You may need to examine those you talk with regularly as well as look at ways to shift the energy if you think this may be happening. 

Recently I had a conversation with a family friend. As she spoke about a particular issue, I did everything I could to offer hope on the subject without trivializing the severity of what she was experiencing.

I soon realized she would not accept it. No matter what I said, she was determined to stick with her pain. Now it's true that we sometimes have to allow others to connect with their grief as part of the healing process. This was not the case. She insisted that this pain would impact others, including myself, and there was nothing we could do about it. Our exchange felt hopeless and strained. I felt my energy slowly slipping away, and I struggled for ideas on how to turn the conversation around. It was not until I asked, "So what do we do?" I even added, "It seems like this may affect us for generations to come. If you were outside of this situation, how would you encourage someone to get to the other side?" She started by saying, "Well..." This would ultimately change the course of our discussion. What followed was a rich conversation on how to address an age-old issue that had plagued the women in her family.

We put others on a path of self-discovery when we encourage them to evaluate their issues from a less affected, less personal perspective. And we have the same power to control how others make us feel when we engage with them. It's never ok to endure a conversation that saps your energy for fear of not offending the other person. You can redirect the discussion by focusing on finding a solution or be honest about how you're feeling in the moment. I left our chat enriched and inspired that at the very least, she knew there was hope. 

Ideation

We should enjoy our conversations, but we should also learn from them. Imagine having a conversation where you walk away with big ideas and actionable steps on how to execute them. Sounds like a day in the life of a luminary, right? But not quite. It's possible for us to turn our everyday small talk into brilliant ideation. One way to start is by asking powerful questions instead of passive ones.

For example, try swapping:

Typical: "How are you today?" with

Powerful: "What are some things you accomplished today?"

Powerful questions force us to tell a story rather than give a typical response. Through storytelling, we have the opportunity to share teachable moments and give those we share with sufficient pause to offer meaningful responses. This elevates our conversations and helps to move us beyond merely talking to ideating. 

Imagine you asked your friend, "How are you today? She responds, "I'm doing good." Her response would likely be the end of your conversation. However, if you asked, "What are some things you accomplished today?" she may be forced to share more details about her day. She may even tell you about the things she didn't get done. Making room for you to offer solutions and share ideas for how she could do things differently in the future but also creates an opportunity for you to learn more about the complexity of her days. Ideation is a critical learning component in our conversations. And no, it doesn't always have to be about how to solve climate change or the political crisis — though those are outstanding topics. It could be as simple or as experiential as our daily challenges. For example, brainstorming with a friend on how to approach a crucial conversation with their boss or colleague. 

Whatever the case, give your next round of conversations a good sweep for the magic three: discovery, enrichment, and ideation. 

Best of luck!